A little vent...

So the debate season is over. Karman ended the season with 11 trophies this year and a couple of plaques. She lettered for a third year in a row, and lead the team to it's highest ranking in Glacier Peak history.
She did so well. It is what she is in high school.
I think there is a part of her that is starting to be sad that it is ending. She can feel it ending now.
Graduation is looming, and it is overwhelming.
I can remember that feeling, vividly.

So now, we are on to thinking about college, and she is FINALLY thinking about scholarships.
We have been trying to get her to start filling out scholarship applications for a while now...but we can't do it for her.
It is a hard balance for a parent. Trying to teach them responsibility; so choosing to give gentle reminders instead of forcing things...all the while knowing they are making a huge mistake by not listening to you.

That is how it has been with her since December.
A dancing party...with the fate of whether or not she was going to listen to us at all.
The problem is, we know what she is going to face.
She doesn't now, nor has she ever, lived that way. She does not look past today, and usually when she finally does, it is too late.

So she is starting to barely, BARELY tap into the huge world of scholarships that exsists. She has turned in three, and thinks she is a sure thing for them. I assure her she isn't. I am not trying to hurt her feelings by thinking she isn't good enough, but rather feed her some logic, reminding her that thousands applied for those same scholarships. That until she has the money in her hands, she can't assume she is a sure thing! To keep turning them in.

She moves at a pace that is so different then mine today, or even when I was her age. I truly believe that is her generation. There is very little drive.

It is such a frustrating part of parenting a teenager which we were slapped with in December when she ran away...
She doesn't want rules, or being told what to do, or having expectations...she wants to do what she wants, when she wants. She doesn't want us to get upset or frustrated with the choices that she makes, even when they are wrong. She just wants us to pay for everything, and take care of her, but have no opinions in the way anything is done. Or at least not tell her our opinions.
However,
When she came home...the agreement was...
You live in our house, it is by our rules. Period.
So there are still rules, we are just more leinient and accepting.
We try NOT to TELL her what to do, but to still offer suggestions and reminders as no matter how much I wish it weren't true, she is still mentally, NO WHERE near her actual age.
By parental default, we do today, and will always have expectations.
Goes with the territory.
She doesn't have to like them, or listen to them, or even live up to them...but we still have them regardless.
And without fail, we EXPECT our 18 year old to stop lying and sneaking around, and instead to act her age, and take responsiblitiy for her actions.

I apologize for this wordy, frustration filled post.
Sometimes it just gets to me and I need to vent. Sometimes it is hard and makes me sad to spend so much time being the "bad guy" simply because I want what is best...and know my daughter better then anyone, including herself.
I have been flooded with emotion lately.
The time-bomb kind...
A roller coster that, these days, has so many more up hills, then downs. It is hard, and it is all I can do sometimes, to just mentally stay afloat above it all and function fully, in the way that I need to on any given day.

Sometimes, I just need to vent.