In the blink of an eye...

I feel a complete turnaround since December.
Things are much better and I see my daughter moving forward in a positive manner.
There is still a lot of work to do, and I think her upcoming graduation will really help as well.
I think she needs to move out of this environment.
One that was, in many ways, very destructive for her.
I do see change though...positive change!

I am not sure how to move forward with the idea that this girl...the one I still see as a 5 year old scared on her first day of kindergarten, will be
GRADUATING
in less than two months!

How?

What happens after that?
So excited for all that is coming for her!
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In the blink of an eye though...
It goes so fast.

A little vent...

So the debate season is over. Karman ended the season with 11 trophies this year and a couple of plaques. She lettered for a third year in a row, and lead the team to it's highest ranking in Glacier Peak history.
She did so well. It is what she is in high school.
I think there is a part of her that is starting to be sad that it is ending. She can feel it ending now.
Graduation is looming, and it is overwhelming.
I can remember that feeling, vividly.

So now, we are on to thinking about college, and she is FINALLY thinking about scholarships.
We have been trying to get her to start filling out scholarship applications for a while now...but we can't do it for her.
It is a hard balance for a parent. Trying to teach them responsibility; so choosing to give gentle reminders instead of forcing things...all the while knowing they are making a huge mistake by not listening to you.

That is how it has been with her since December.
A dancing party...with the fate of whether or not she was going to listen to us at all.
The problem is, we know what she is going to face.
She doesn't now, nor has she ever, lived that way. She does not look past today, and usually when she finally does, it is too late.

So she is starting to barely, BARELY tap into the huge world of scholarships that exsists. She has turned in three, and thinks she is a sure thing for them. I assure her she isn't. I am not trying to hurt her feelings by thinking she isn't good enough, but rather feed her some logic, reminding her that thousands applied for those same scholarships. That until she has the money in her hands, she can't assume she is a sure thing! To keep turning them in.

She moves at a pace that is so different then mine today, or even when I was her age. I truly believe that is her generation. There is very little drive.

It is such a frustrating part of parenting a teenager which we were slapped with in December when she ran away...
She doesn't want rules, or being told what to do, or having expectations...she wants to do what she wants, when she wants. She doesn't want us to get upset or frustrated with the choices that she makes, even when they are wrong. She just wants us to pay for everything, and take care of her, but have no opinions in the way anything is done. Or at least not tell her our opinions.
However,
When she came home...the agreement was...
You live in our house, it is by our rules. Period.
So there are still rules, we are just more leinient and accepting.
We try NOT to TELL her what to do, but to still offer suggestions and reminders as no matter how much I wish it weren't true, she is still mentally, NO WHERE near her actual age.
By parental default, we do today, and will always have expectations.
Goes with the territory.
She doesn't have to like them, or listen to them, or even live up to them...but we still have them regardless.
And without fail, we EXPECT our 18 year old to stop lying and sneaking around, and instead to act her age, and take responsiblitiy for her actions.

I apologize for this wordy, frustration filled post.
Sometimes it just gets to me and I need to vent. Sometimes it is hard and makes me sad to spend so much time being the "bad guy" simply because I want what is best...and know my daughter better then anyone, including herself.
I have been flooded with emotion lately.
The time-bomb kind...
A roller coster that, these days, has so many more up hills, then downs. It is hard, and it is all I can do sometimes, to just mentally stay afloat above it all and function fully, in the way that I need to on any given day.

Sometimes, I just need to vent.

Berkley Trip...

After a few traveling hiccups...the debate team made it to California!

This is the group that made it's way to Berkley.
They are mainly Snohomish High kids...with three from Karman's school.
The teams join together since our team is so small.
It makes it a nice size group.

They spent most of the their days, and nights on the beautiful campus of Berkley.

This clock tower is the middle ground...and focal point of the campus.
It was their meeting spot throughout the trip.

This is the furthest she has ever traveled from us...
She loved every second of it. (Go figure:))

On the last day...the group got to go into San Fransico.
That was a lot of fun for them.
Karman did all of her souvenier shopping....and they did some sight seeing.

And some goofing around...

One of the most memorable things they got to do, was to eat at the famous, Bubba Gumps.
SUPER EXPENSIVE...but something to remember too.

Karman did GREAT at the tournaments.
She put in some RIDICULOUSLY long hours...(she not a good lack-of-sleep girl...after a day...she doesn't function so well)
She worked hard!
She made Octo-finals...which is where they narrow it down to 8 finalists...
But then didn't quite make it to quarter finals.
She still got a silver engraved plate award.
That was pretty awesome.

This was a REALLY big opportunity for her. The experience alone was amazing...and she was lucky to be able to join the group this year!
She had a great time...but came home REALLLLLLLLY tired, and sounding like she is getting sick too. So I am guessing that she will take a good week to recover from the fun that she had! :)

The debate season is ALMOST over.
It has been a long season for her, but she has done SOOOO well that it has seemed to have gone so fast.
It ending means the school year, is that much closer to being over.

We are so proud of your accomplishments, and how much you have grown over the course of the year! I truly hope you see how amazing you are at debate...and how much it has helped you in a level that I don't think you quite understand yet!
You deserve every single award you have earned...and we are so impressed by them all!

Berkley Bound...

I just dropped Karman off.

Bound for University of California Berkley...for a HUGE debate tournament.

This was a huge honor to be invited to.
We scraped together the money so that she could be a part of it!
It is a multi-state tournament, and is a really big deal!

She leaves today, and will be heading back on the 22nd.
She got a shiny new ID card...and is all packed and walking around with bells on!

Hoping for good news!!!
Good Luck Karman!!!

Our Debater!!!

For the first time ever, Karman's team went to Eastside Catholic.
She wasn't too excited, because it is a relatively small tournament.
I reminded her...that she has to do her time, doing the small sets too, in order to prime for the big sets.
That you can't expect to always have these amazing, enlightened experiences...sometimes...you just have to put in your time to get to the reward at the end...
{You see...you don't HAVE to go on these...it is a choice which you participate in, if any, (or all) but how many hours you put in directly relates to lettering....and obviously...winning.}

So she went. She did her time...and the work....
She had a good day...She had fun!
AND LOOK WHAT SHE GOT OUT OF IT!!!!!

Hands down, the coolest trohpies thus far in her debate career.
They are huge....and REAL metal.
She adores them!
(She is even doing a ceramics project in her class based on the larger one.)

So, she ended up with a 1st in ORATORY and a 3rd in EXPOSITORY!!!
SO COOL!
She was SO incredibly happy that she made the decision to do the work and go!
I can't believe how well she is doing in Oratory!
It is phenomenol to me. Oratory is usually her least favorite, and it shows. It is the one she doesn't want to practice...and doesn't work on.
This year has just been a complete turn around in it!

So her dresser is really full of trohpies!

She is going to BERKLEY NEXT!
Which is HUGE!
it is a huge opportunity for her...and one of the largest high school debate tournaments that exsists.

Then she still has the STATE competition...and National Qualifiers...and from there...Maybe, NATIONALS!!!!

Can't wait to see what the rest of the year brings for her.
We are really proud of you!

Awarded...

3rd place plaque, awarded to Karman Bean, on February 5th, 2011.

For her Oratory speech on Oceanic Polution!

Great job again, Karman!!!!

THIS IS A HUGE WIN!

This event was at PLU in Tacoma.
It is a GINORMOUS tournament.
Somewhere around 38 schools compete.

You have to understand, Karman's team is REALLY small. Comparatively that is.
Their school only opened their doors two years ago, it is only in it's third year mow.
So they are a VERY young and immature team.
There are only 3 REPETITIVE debaters, and then a few that come when they can.

Usually teams like that don't take home a lot of awards.
And this is a BIG tournament, with a lot of very skilled, and versed teams.

She didn't think she stood a chance...
But she took SECOND place in her Expository speech!
It is funny the way she wins...in the different tournaments. One she will take first in Oratory and none in Expos, and the next she will win in Expos and get nothing in Oratory.
It just all has to do with the competition!

Congratulations....
She is winning so much I am losing a way to say how proud of her we are.....
:)

DOUBLE FIRST PLACE!

She took FIRST!!!!!!!

TWICE!!!!!!

She has never taken first in both of her events!

Karman is doing so well in debate this year.

It shows because she is a good debater at home too. :)

She has made BID in both of her events.

That means that she will be going to STATE for BOTH speeches.

Another thing she has never done.

She has gone to state once...but only for her Expository...never for both.

Funny thing, how winning changes a persons perspective.

Suddenly she is actually practicing all on her own, and is working without me nagging her about it.

That is what we have tried so hard to get her to see since the beginning.

That if she puts the time in...she wins...and

then it feels...

AWESOME!

If she wins in State....She will then go to Nationals....which are in Texas.

WHICH WOULD BE INCREDIBLE!

For her...for the obvious reasons...of the experience, the memories etc....

but also because she could potentially win a full four year scholarship!

She is really proud of herself...as she should be.

We are so proud of her accomplishments.

YAY-HOO!!!

Fundraising central

Karman is doing an AMAZING fund raiser at school.

In one of her classes first semester, they had an offer at the very beginning of the year...that they could fulfill their volunteer hours that are required Senior year, by doing some sort of fund raiser.
So...
they had a group that was willing...and they were brainstorming ideas.
After school one afternoon, I said...what about doing something close to us...
How about Camp Goodtimes...which is the camp that she has attended every single year since she was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma.
She loved the idea.

So they went to workplanning.
On December 20th, they did a Christmas Caroling event at the local Safeway.
A group of them came together to collect donations, by singing, selling candy canes, and hot chocolate.
They did great and made just over a hundred dollars.

In January, they did a contest at school...where there were 8 jars filled with candy and the kids could come and pay to guess the amount in any that they wanted to.
They ultimately, would win the jar.
This event was not very successful, and in the end, they ended up taking a loss, and spending more on the candy then they made.
Still, it was a lesson.
And it was fun...and got the word spread around the school for the final event of the fund raiser.

Which was...
An item drive.
The camp has items that they are always in need of.
So they had a class competition to drive up the desire to "play" along.
Kids and teachers could bring in items...OR MONEY...
And everything had a point value.
In the end, whichever classroom had accumulated the most points won an ice cream party.
This went on for a week.


It was very successful.
They did great!!!
I mean...really great!

Much better then I ever expected.
Every single day Karman came home with more bags of items.
Right now....
My living room, LOOKS LIKE THIS as a matter of fact....

Seriously...
Overwhelming...
I am trying to organize it so that we can go deliver it all.


There ended up being somewhere around 200 tooth brushes, 100 toothpastes, 100 bottles of hand sanitizer, tons of soap, boxes of arts and crafts, and at least 60 boxes of tissue.
And in the end they also collected around $900 dollars (I never got a final tally after everyone was reimbursed for their items that they purchased...and the ice cream was bought etc)

They did a really good job.
I think that Karman learned through the whole thing, not only the importance of giving back....but as a life-lesson...the importance of working as a team, and that you can't do it all yourself.

These days, at her age...those kinds of lessons are just as important as any other.


I sure am proud and impressed with the work that Karman and all of the kids put into this fund raiser.
I know it will be very appreciated by the camp too!
GOOD JOB!

3rd Place Win!!!

This win is a BIG win!

This was a Southend Tournament at Federal Way High.
Southend events are always popular, which makes it so that the kids are up against seasoned, good teams.
They are competitive and difficult to win!

Karman took THIRD!!!
It is a beautiful trophy, and she was SO happy!

She is doing so well this year in debate!
It is awesome that she will have these memories!

We are so proud that she has taken debate seriously this year!

It is so fun to see all of her trophies, and how happy she is about all of them!

Just makes me smile inside. :)

And outside.

First win of the year...

On December 11th, Karman won her first big debate event of the season.

She took first place in her Open Expository round.

It is a pretty big deal because while in her first year of debate she won time and time again...

last year she really didn't take any awards.


She kind of went into, what should have been a exciting final year of her club, feeling a little defeated and underwhelmed.
However, with A LOT of prodding by us...she worked, and practiced...and worked some more...

And it paid off!
She was rewarded!!!

So, to us, these awards were a little bitter-sweet because of what was happening at the time....and the fact that we didn't get to celebrate it with her at all because of her choices.
It is a hard place for parents to be.

(I am post-dating this to fit it where it belongs even though I didn't get to take the pictures for 2 weeks after, when she finally came home)

But regardless,
We will always be proud of her accomplishments.
I knew she was going to do well this year!

Happy Eighteenth...

November 12...1992

I could go on for hours about how I can not believe that Karman is 18 today.
But I just did that in her senior photoshoot post.

She is so not ready to be 18.
I wish we could shelter her from everything out there...
That we could teach her in a way that she would REALLY hear us, everything that she needs to know, and to throw out the things she shouldn't worry about.
I wish I could make her see that she has the right to self-confidence, and that she shouldn't care about what people think, what they say, or any of the high school drama, because that is just not the way life really is.
At least not the good parts of life.
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(18 treats to take to school and share...and 18 treats on her card.)

And that too.

I wish we could make her truly hear us, when we say that LIFE GETS BETTER.

So much better.

That all of the things that seem, SO important now, just aren't.

That the battles around here that start with no big deal...and end with doors slamming, and words being thrown about as though they have no meaning...are so not necessary.

That getting her way, is never going to and should never win out to her safety and well-being...and if that makes us the worst parents in the world...

well, we love her enough to have that be OK with us for now.

I wish for my daughter, nothing but the most amazing of everything.

She is amazing...and can do amazing things...

Now...if only she could really, truly, see that!

Happy Birthday Karman,

We love you!

A Senior, and her Photos...

We decided that I would take a stab at doing Karman's Senior Photo Shoot.
It was a sunny/cloudy day. The kind that make you crazy in photography. Where the clouds are covering, and you get excited...and set up your shot really fast...and then the clouds blow away.
But
We tried.
And while I am WELL aware that I need an external flash and reflector too...
My subject was pure perfection, and was beautiful...
and...
In my humble opinion, I think they turned out
AMAZING!

Her school colors are Blue and White. We did many in this sweater for that reason.

This field.

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This field was no where near a field. In fact, it was a small patch of weeds along side a road that we drove, LOOKING for a field.

It had beautiful color, and long flowing weeds...which is what I was wanting...and a place to park...

So...that is where we ended up.

That set of pictures, actually ended up being my favorite.

I love almost every picture we took in this "field".

We were in full on Autumn...with gorgeous leaves in all of the Fall colors.

This sweater dress was a perfect off-set.

Karman didn't want to wear it.

I pleaded...she gave in.

They are her VERY favorite pictures of all of them!

I love all of the doorways in downtown Snohomish.

All beat up and tattered.

Grafitti-like.

A photographers dream.

We found these areas...along the sides of the streets that we were driving on.

Above for instance, is a fence to someones backyard.

It faces the street and is public property...there is a big tree too.

It was just one of those little corners in the world, that you pass all of the time, and never notice.

It was kind of perfect.

This is in a public park area in Snohomish.

Karman is wearing her debate jacket.

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I shot this one, time and time again...I couldn't get the sun to cooperate...no matter what I tried.
I still like it...

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Karman likes this pose. Her friends were showing her pictures, and this is always the pose she really wanted to do. So we did several. The problem is, because she can't bend that left leg, she can't do the classic pose, with her feet up. It makes the depth of the picture harder to grasp...also makes for a long picture.

They all turned out pretty nice though.

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I was playing with some photoshop settings on the picture above.

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I loved this little patch of weeds...It was a perfect setting...

Playing...

playing...

More playing...

Still more...

Stated with this picture (above...)

Really good picture,

really good lighting....

I played a little...and I got this....

EXCELLENT picture of her hazel eyes!

Sometimes it is hard with hazels and browns, to get a really pretty picture of them...

it takes the perfect angle and the perfect moment of light...

I MEAN SERIOUSLY???!!!?!?!?!

LOOOOOOVE the lines in the picture above!

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So, I LOVE those pictures that are so in these days...of everyone jumping off of the ground just in time for that perfect shot. I wanted to try it with Karman...but her leg isn't supposed to have that kind of pressure...so we played around with it a bit.

To her left, in this picture was a picnic table.

She jumped off of it, and landed on her right leg.

It was hard to get since it was such a short distance to the ground, and also because her left leg has to stick out, so the camera would focus on the leg.

Most were blurry it areas...even when I put the setting to auto...

It is still a fun picture.

In photoshop I removed the picnic table which was RIGHT next to her...and I added a radial blur just to spotlight her more (since she is actually a little blurry).

Then I wrote the text which is hard to see, I know.
I thought it would be a neat graduation announcement picture.

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And this picture, is the one we ultimately chose for the yearbook.

I love the picture...I loved others a little more...but there are rules about the sizing of the head and what you have to be able to see etc for the actual yearbook slot.

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A Senior?

I don't know how that happened.

At it's very best, having a teenager is an amazing feat. A phenomenon, really.

Kind of a reflection of memories that really weren't that long ago.

A merry-go-round of the same emotions that you rode day in and day out back then.

And, in a strange, but such-is-life way...it puts you in this middle ground.

One where you can understand your child...and in retrospect, understand your parents.

It has a way of making you want to cry because you alone, know what is best for your teen,

Smile, because you can remember trying to spread your wings too...

and laugh...knowing there are some things your should apologize to your own parents for.

Being a mom to a teenager is hard.

It makes you question the very core or everything that you think you know.

Everything you stand for.

It makes you wonder how strong you really are.

It is a challenge.

BUT...
Senior year.
It came faster then one can imagine.
I swear it...as a parent, you just blink and everything changes. One minute, you are soaking in every single little milestone...from sitting to walking to talking.
Then they go to school, and you literally marvel at the sponges that they are, and brag about how they amaze you.
Pretty soon, life continues on its mostly uphill path...and those things...the things that you SWORE you would never forget, are distant, foggy memories. Even the hard things, the brutal, I-don't-know-if-I-can-do-this kind of things...just become a piece of who you are...as a person...as a mom...and a parent...

Eventually...they all come together, in some messed up, unorganized fashion...
And you do a double take...
Because
you can't believe
that as luck would have it...
somehow...

LIFE BROUGHT YOU HERE!